This Time Around

So, I had a couple small revelations at church today. Shocker, I know. More like, reminders, I guess you could call ‘em… bare with me. It’s nothing too heavy or boring I don’t think. Hope it helps you through your day.

You know how some people expect things from you? Parents expect excellence further than they themselves were ever capable of. Friends expect phone calls. Guys expect “thanks” after a date. Girls expect perfection, unless he’s a real jackass, then by no means of logic, they expect that’s all they’re worth and, of course can’t leave him… but these are all ramblings for another day.

What I was so quietly reminded of in church today is that Jesus expects nothing from us. Yes, he wants us to do his work, and by the very nature of God our sins cost a price, sure. But there is no expectation. He just simply loves us. It’s not fire and brimstone, but it ain’t Carebears either. It’s real, in-your-face honest love. He doesn’t drink it away when we shit on him. He doesn’t tell his mommy. He doesn’t gossip about it with his buddies over some junk-ass excuse for a ritzy meal. No. I imagine he sadly nods his head and then lifts it up with a smile, ready to love again.

I was also reminded today that Jesus wants us to be happy. It’s funny. We try so hard to make certain people in our lives happy. Boy/girlfriends. Parents. Coaches. Bosses. But we can’t. Whether through malice, anger, pride, stubbornness, or arrogance - or something more subtle like forgetfullness, carelessness, omission, or naivete - we will fail. Not necessarily a sin, but at some point or another we will do more than fail to make these other people happy, we will in fact hurt them instead.

This is a real bitch -especially when it’s quite counter to your intention. But it happens. What you never see happen though is this: Jesus failing to make you happy. Oh yeah, he’ll break you. He’ll take away everything you ever loved, he’ll rip that thorn out without you asking, and he won’t ask if you need stitches. He’ll allow the wrath of judgment itself to sit squarely on your chest until your heart wishes itself to stop. But when you finally submit and open your teary eyes you’ll see why. You’ll see what it was that made all that hurt to much. You’ll see the true purpose you were intended for, or at the very least a glimpse into it. Jesus will give you gifts further than your imagination, and I suspect that’s where the pain of taking it all away stems from actually. It’s hard to let go when you don’t see the next step. But in the words of Gavin Bryars, “Jesus Blood Never Failed Me Yet“.

This is not a note of how I’m going to radically revamp my life and go get some stuffy new job with a snotty nose dripping on all the less-enlightened folk below me. No, this ain’t a letter about how I’ve been recently hurt, mislead, betrayed, etc - or even about how I’ve done such things. It’s a very fresh and simple reminder to myself of two very great truths Christ came to give us.

I don’t want to get bogged down in philosophical examination, bitter introspection, or theological bullshit. I just want to share with you guys my guts right now. I’m a sinner. I’ve got no other excuses. And though I make them from time to time, the facts are that I come up empty at a table full of face cards. I’m not the worlds greatest fuck-up, but I’m certainly not it’s savior. “I am not, but I know I AM.” ~ Louie Giglio

In closing, I’d like to state that I am aware of the curse words used in my note. I don’t care. But I’m tired of hiding my faith because I can’t speak the way that comes natural to me. For I do not live by a spirit of timidity, I am not called to be silent, and I know that these truths dig deeper than my worst words could ever stop. I’d like to hear what you guys are getting fed recently. I need it. Live by courage and share. You’d be surprised what can happen. And maybe all this could just radically revamp our lives after all…

Yeah I smoke,
Because I hate my lungs and I want them to die.
Maybe then I wouldn’t require oxygen to survive.
And some days I could just stop breathin’,
Shut down, or spend the whole day sleepin’.
And give me an excuse to escape for five…

Cause five more minutes is what I’m needin’
To think on what I’ve been takin’ in.
Cause I don’t know if I’m believin’
Or if you’re all just full of shit.
So I step out side,
And light up a cigarette.

<!– This is a piece I wrote about 3 years ago. Don’t read into it. –!>

There’s nothing quite like watching you fail to duck from the worst thing in your miserable life. It’s only better when you take one in the face.

“SPLAT!” goes your nose.

Oh-hahahaha, you deserve every broken bone. You cocky little bastard. I hope you bleed to death on the ride home.

Broken pieces, come back to me.
I need every ounce of strength,
I owe her everything.
I didn’t think I’d miss a piece of you
Given far away.
I didn’t think her touch would pull
Me into such pain.
I need to be whole.
I need to be whole again.

Call the past and make a promise to a naïve self.
“Guard your heart you stupid bastard. I’m saving you from hell.”
She’s the one I always wanted; wish I would have known.
Every piece I tossed unwanted, I’m begging please come home.

I was going to post something sooner, but realized that I’m not entirely clear on copyright laws and all that jazz. What I would like to do is basically be able to sue someone if I just so happen to write something worth stealing. So, I need to look into it further.

Until then, enjoy my current song title for a song yet to be written, “The Obligatory Song About Self-Destruction and/or Implosion”. Sounds totally bitchin’ if you ask me.